Journal of Pirate Lingo*


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* not an actual journal
of pirate lingo

02.05.01 - 11:48 a.m.

For the last few days Angi & I have been molested and terrorized by FLIES. We come from work and there will be 4 or 5 of them flying around in our home. Big, fat hairy ones. They behave like drunkards, zig-zagging erratically through the air and hovering like slow-pitched softballs. They're so slow that you can smack them out of the air with a rolled-up newspaper. Every night we kill them and then the next night they're back. A man's home is his castle, and my castle is under siege.

I don't understand how they're getting in. We've examined every inch of our living space and there is absolutely no visible opportunity for fly ingress. They seem to be coming from the patio area outside, but where? There's nothing out there. I feel like a biblical plague is being visited upon us. Have we sinned? Are we not more sinned against than sinning?

I'm pretty sure that if we're being punished it's Angi's fault. I think the flies are exhibiting a preference for her room over mine. (Of course, it could be that the flies are just disgusted by my slovenly environment & refuse to enter on principle.)

What are we going to do? How does one deal with flies? I don't know where to buy flypaper. Do you tape it to the walls? Raid is for roaches. Torching the apartment seems a bit excessive. Maybe we can get a priest.

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