30.06.01 - 11:13 a.m.

More sober now. Our "people strategy officers" (i.e. HR) are hovering reaper-like on the floor above. A security guard has been posted. Almost certainly we'll be fired on Monday. Zip everything away like a madman. How have things become so strange?

Last night I met a guy who works for Meals on Wheels. I think I might start volunteering there. I also met a guy who defends death row inmates and tries to get their sentences commuted. I rode a bike through a large part of the city with thousands of other people. Sheer joy, reclamation of the streets-- spontaneity is a beautiful thing. Our huge rolling party coursed down Market, south of Market, into the Mission, back West. Finally we ended up at Zeitgeist. A million interesting strangers & quite a few good friends. Drinks and drinks, and drinks. I didn't intend to smoke tobacco or get lifted, but circumstances were not in my favor. A lady was giving out FREE PACKS OF CIGARETTES. I kept mumbling, "surely this must be illegal," but no. Then Daffodil & I sniffed a certain scent and a guy saw us and asked if we wanted. "Surely this must be illegal!"

The night swirled. At some point Amber's ex-girlfriend Tara arrived. Now I actually think Tara's pretty cool. I don't dislike her & maybe I like her. But the tension was palpable, from my viewpoint at least. She is sitting there chatting w/ Amber & they're going to take pictures tomorrow (now today) because they both like photography and generally I'm thinking, should I be jealous? or uncertain? Because I was both. Amber was pretty drunk, & she & Tara were heading back to her place that night to crash so they could get up in Berkeley tomorrow and take pictures. I had to stay in SF cos I had to go into work at 2AM. Tara was going back to Amber's place? That weirded me out. Finally I had to bust into Amber's conversation w/ Mike & "can we talk for a minute", which I hate doing and never do but what else could I do? She told me they're just friends, nothing's going to happen, she'll sleep on the couch, etc. etc. She says I hang out with my ex, it's the same thing. I'm thinking, well not exactly, I don't invite my ex back to my apt. when I'm really drunk and have her spend the night. But this is about trust, and not being possessive. I think I am more grown-up or more naive or something, because when Amber tells me nothing's going to happen I believe her. & if she likes taking photographs & she has a friend she can do that with, she should do that. I think it all would have been easier to deal with had the world not been swirling unpredictably around me & periodically lurching up to grab me by my throat. devil ether.

So good to see Nate, & meet Daffodil, & Shawn was there, & Jenny/Angi showed up (& the latter 3 saved my life by helping me get the (rented) bike back to apt. and generally looking out for me; thanks guys) & meet all of Amber's interesting friends. So unclear what the next few days will be like. The next few weeks. It's not a bad feeling exactly, not an entirely good feeling either. Things work themselves out; you make your luck; endless platitudes run through my head & the question of fate still eludes me.

Today: get off at 2, take bus home, bike back to Bart, ride up to Berkeley, drop off bike, crash @ amber's, come back into city, dinner, go to richie hawtin, DANCE MUTHAFUCKA, crash in city. sunday: go hiking w/ a., then in evening elio's bday bbq. Shit, we must obtain present. monday: find out what kind of severance package i get. tuesday -> infinity : i haven't a clue. some possibilities

* zine (even though the notion seems increasingly high-school-esque. but mcsweeneys is a zine, sort of. actually i like 'pamphlet' better. haha, i will produce countless pamphlets!)

* crossword puzzles

* sit in cafes reading all the books i haven't had time to read

* hang out more w/ Amber-- for sure, assuming there's no drama on the horizon

* visit las vegas

* visit boston/austin/chicago/wisconsin

* burn all the cds for people i've been promising

* NOT SPEND MONEY

* FIND NEW JOB

* do more volunteer work (meals on wheels, amnesty international)

* buy a bike, ride it lots

* listen to music

* cook! cook a lot

* this list is ridiculous. how can i have forgotten how to do nothing? i used to be so good at it.