10.09.01 - 11:46 a.m.

Ow my wrist is highly irritated. I took my watch off in case I'm having an allergic reaction... & last night I tried some of A.'s painkillers and felt nothing, nothing, except a slight tightness in my chest around 1am. AWWW MOMMA... CAN THIS REALLY BE THE END?

I started drinking last Friday and kept drinking pretty much continuously until today. I am pantomiming a descent into alcholic oblivion; my belief that I can never spiral too far out of control is what makes this fantasy so simultaneously entertaining and treacherous. gin and juice, soju, champagne, beer, jim beam and coke, weed, painkillers, hand rolled drums, american spirits... I don't know whether to think of it as self-medication or a desire to sustain light-headedness. I have vague memories of reading "the unbearable lightness of being"-- Kundera writes about the heaviness of a man's body on a woman's in the missionary position. The heaviness pins down the spirit, grounds the lovers. He talks so much in that book about lightness and heaviness. Which is preferable? Which do you want to escape from? I would say heaviness but I think he says lightness.

Is there anything more intimate then the look on someone's face when s/he is having an orgasm? I think there is something sacred about it, something so purely vulnerable that in that moment you feel as though you're privileged to be a witness & you should keep it like a secret.

Kundera you beautiful pretentious bastard. I can't remember what you were on about... but I do remember another character in another book ("Candy", by Luke Davies) who read Unbearable Lightness on a plane and, years later, didn't remember anything about it except the pervasive air of sadness it evoked. It's weird how my memory of reading a book has become intertwined with a fictional character's memory of reading that same book.

William was telling me how strange it is that he knows his way around so many imaginary buildings and landscapes. Every kid who plays Doom can give you directions within a world that doesn't have any physical presence. I'm dumbfounded by the ability of artists to create people-- to create worlds-- and transmit them into other people's heads.

What the hell am I saying. 86% chance I will come back later and delete this, or at least do a proper entry later. I had a good weekend!