01.11.01 - 12:50 p.m.

Running out of time... this will be my last entry before I leave. I am somewhat cracked out this morning following a crazy night. Halloween is always weird in San Francisco but especially so last night because I nearly lost my mind after consuming a special brownie I bought from this guy with a shaved head. He had a huge tattoo on his scalp. (Note to self: in general avoid buying things from such people.)

At one point in the night I felt like my entire identity was melting... I couldn't distinguish between myself and the outside world. The barrier between the two seemed to dissolve. I guess you could view this in a positive way (experiencing 'one-ness' with the universe) but it was actually pretty scary. Thank god for tolerant friends.

I can't remember the entire night but I hope they had a good time in spite of my meltdown.

Triet took some good pictures. If you're wondering about my costume-- it was an interim costume. Originally I was going to be Iron Chef like Elio/Triet/Shawn. Elio bought chef's jackets and hats for all of us, but since we were meeting up at Castro, I needed a costume to wear until I got the chef stuff. So I wore one of the eyemasks Angi & I bought for Juliette's mardi gras party, and I hung a skeleton around my neck. I'd originally bought the skeleton to decorate my bike for halloween critical mass. I ended up clutching it tightly the whole night, like a talisman to ward off evil.

So many people yesterday-- utter madness, impossible to meet up with anyone-- cellphone network completely saturated, buses diverted-- and all the costumes! The Borg, Golden Gate Bridge, Connect 4, burqas, french maids, clowns, S&M gear, a skull mask that continually dripped blood, milli vanilli, wonder woman, girl scout, countless angel wings, clubby wear, random political masks, sharks and lifeguards, faeries, cheerleaders, Pinhead, big ben, eiffel tower, moulin rouge, afros, disco dancers, tin foil masks, butterflies, halos, ghosts, flashers, strippers, marching bands, genderbenders, firemen, police, Jamiraquai, Michael Jackson...

me and my talisman

Wrap up of the last few days-- lots of packing and hanging out. Cosmo was a lifesaver, he came over & helped me move my futon/couch & we played darts & pool & discussed art and friends and all kinds of things. he provocatively claimed he doesn't believe in creation, that there are no original ideas. elitism in art, what is truly revolutionary is what brings people together? my umbrella of art is perhaps too narrow. is cynicism/pessimism warranted?

Had dinner with Nate & played Oddworld with Shawn, spent time w/ A... (bittersweet goodbye). There is something unspeakably depressing about a newly empty room. We saw Richie Hawtin at 1015; the music was ok but that club gives me hives with its serpentine lines and generic overdoses of laser lights and those goddamn firedancers! I don't mind watching them but when they came onto the already overcrowded dancefloor and started whirling around and taking up room, I wanted to pummel them with their own firesticks

Cosmo/Sandeep/Jeff were all spinning at Terra party-- that was good. 18 year olds dressed in scanty costumes, equal measures lust & disgust-- that luge ice block where people perched their chins at the base and gulped down dribbling tequilla shots... it was weird to be at a college party. I felt old. Great music though. I'd never heard Cosmo live. "drop your weapon, you have 20 seconds to comply"

remember to see "until the end of the world"

brunch at sandeep's-- i owe jenny a magnum of chandon. pancakes, eggs, paper bacon aka veggie bacon aka "I Can Believe It's Not Bacon (TM)" That was a good relaxing sunday. we watched sandeep's roommate's friend's film school thesis, this short movie about a guy in the not-too-distant future who brings his family to a refugee camp during a war & has to kill another man to get food for his family. So depressing, they should package it with "Dancer in the Dark". The saddest double feature ever.

what else what else. i put up an entry just before this one with pictures from halloween critical mass, you should check that out. i feel so ambivalent about everything right now. well no i don't, i definitely think that quitting sapient and going away for a while is the right thing to do. but the last few weeks have reminded me how much i love san francisco & my friends, and how much i want to come back. just need to figure out what i want to do with my life. holla at me if you have any good ideas.

probably i will have internet access while in santiago but updates might be more haphazard. in 12 hours i will be on a plane, in the meantime i have to go tie up loose ends. i'm excited! the next time i write it will be from the other side of the world. faithfully yours, a---