Journal of Pirate Lingo*


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* not an actual journal
of pirate lingo

06.24.02 - 9:53 p.m.

I ate some "Shock Tarts" today. I was looking for something to satisfy a vague craving that had arisen in my belly, and the Shock Tarts in the vending machine jumped out at me. I'd seen them mentioned in a couple of Jerkcity strips. (I prefer not to dwell on the implications of the fact that my diet is now determined primarily by Internet cartoons.) I took them back to my desk and popped one into my mouth, and within moments an explosion of searing sourness enveloped my tongue. This was by far the most violently painful candy experience I've ever had. Yet somehow the pain was addictive. I popped tart after tart into my mouth, despite the fact that they were scraping my tongue to bits.

Shock Tarts appear to be the culmination of the painful-candy arms race that began with Atomic Fireballs and sour-everythings and has since grown to encompass everything from "Mega Warheads" to "Nestle Nuclear Chocolate". But has it gone too far?! I mean it's been seven hours since I ate them, and my tongue still hurts. My entire surface layer of tastebuds has disintegrated. I'm essentially maimed for life. What can possibly come next? Gum filled with acid? Combustible bon-bons that react violently to saliva and explode upon contact with your mouth? "Black" licorice?

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