09.26.02 - 5:06 p.m.

these last few weeks have not been good. i have been going out constantly, but the dull ache that has settled in my chest will not go away. when strongest it is an actual physical sensation, like heartburn.

i know there is no point to wallowing in self pity. i have counted my blessings and they are infinite; i have wandered the space of my providence and found little to regret. but though i can dutifully enumerate all i possess, it's a hollow exercise. the only real cure is to forget. and so i am waiting, and hating the dull trudge to the finish.

how can someone turn out to be so different than you thought? is it a transformation, or a matter of not looking closely enough? i care, but it's hurting me more than it's helping anyone else.

i promise myself that no matter how bitter or jaded i get, i will never be dismissive of someone else's emotions. you can't ask somebody to change how they feel, but everyone deserves to be treated with respect. if you lose sight of that, you are on the road to becoming someone you probably don't want to be.

maybe tomorrow will be the beginning of something new. i'd like to think so.