12.11.02 - 3:45 p.m.

Going to Apples in Stereo tonight at Slim's. I would describe them as psychedelic pop rock, with a tweecore slant. I would also describe them as "a band who I've only ever heard one song by so I'm making stuff up." The real reason I want to go is that Slims is the last venue I haven't been to in San Francisco. I'm eager to cross it off the list, so I can finally get back to eating Cheetos and watching Law and Order reruns*.

Chalk it up to impending geezerhood, but I no longer expect spontaneous magic at rock shows. They're all the same. Too loud. Too much standing. Makes my back hurt.

Wah! I'm hungry! The president is a Demmycrat!

I like Bottom of the Hill because you can go in the back and play pool during the show. It beats standing there for two hours with your hands in your pockets, watching dressed-down indie rockers paw histrionically at their guitars. Hopefully Slim's will have batting cages or something.

Wouldn't it be nice if they didn't play music in between sets? I read somewhere that the real reason they do that is to make people drink more. I guess if you have to shout to talk to your friends, you're more likely to say fuck it and sit sullenly in a corner throwing back Pabst Blue Ribbon. I know that's what always happens to me.

One of my favorite shows of all time was the Yo La Tengo & Billy Bragg Peel sessions at Queen Elizabeth Hall. You know why? Cause everybody sat their asses down!!! Nice comfy theatre style seating, no music between sets, reasonably priced beer... it was like I'd died and gone to a weirdly anglophilic heaven. It was more like going to a symphony than a rock show.

I guess as much as anything, the reason I go to shows is to check out people. I like looking at the audience as much as the band. I can never work up the courage to talk to random strangers, but I like plotting and scheming ways to meet them. Talvin Singh met his current girlfriend (a former Miss India) when he spilled a drink down her dress at some bar. Ever the gentleman, he offered to get it dry-cleaned for her. Other good ways to meet people include poking them, tripping them and accidentally setting their hair on fire.

Defense attorney: "We'll settle for 50 hours community service."
McCoy: "But he killed six nuns! With a machete!"
Defense attorney: "What're you offering?"
McCoy: "Man 1, he does the max."
Defense attorney (sneers contemptuously): "See you in court."