Journal of Pirate Lingo*


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06.11.03 - 3:25 p.m.

Generally speaking, I don't like being the coolest person in the room. I'd rather be the LEAST cool. I like to bat out of my league. So you can imagine my chagrin when Casey, Az. and I walked into the New Pornographers show last night and it looked like an frickin accountants convention! Bald spots and khaki dress pants everywhere! The average age at the show was 28 going on 40. I felt like setting myself on fire, in order to express the sentiment that I'd rather burn out then waste away. But I wasn't sure if anyone would get it, so I settled for drinking heavily.

The show was good, as you'd expect. The New Pornographers cram a ridiculous number of melodies into every song, so if you're bored with one you just have to wait 10 seconds and a new one comes along. I have to say though, I don't get how Neko Case was voted Playboy's sexiest woman in rock. She's not unattractive, but she's not exactly one of the Corrs either. I don't know, maybe she has really sexy toenails or something.

The best part of the show came towards the end, when some overwrought indie boy jumped on stage and started frenetically air-guitaring along with the band. Rather than kick him off, they welcomed him into their ranks, and when the song was finished, Carl Newman commented: "what we need now is an air bassist."

No sooner was this said than a kid best described as Chris Farley's younger, more rambunctious brother leapt on stage and began hammering away at an imaginary bass. The band launched into their next number, and Chris-Farley-dude was soon throwing his body all over the place with reckless abandon. At one point, the air guitarist and air bassist were playing back-to-back on either of Neko case. To get a sense of the impression this conveyed, imagine a filet mignon sandwich made with Wonder Bread.

By the end of the night, the New Pornographers had acquired not only a new guitarist and bassist, but also two air vocalists, an air keyboardist and a air drummer. They had an entire air band up there with them! It was very inspiring. I shall be trying out for the role of "air-tambourinist" shortly.

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