Journal of Pirate Lingo*


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09.12.03 - 4:08 p.m.

An interview (questions courtesy of Habbit)

1. What is your favorite style of SanFran Burrito?

I fucking hate Mission burritos!!! I'm serious. Where do I even begin. Ok, first of all, why do burritos have to be big as yo face? They are so big that you can't even fit a bite into your mouth! It's absurd! I know some people think that quantity = quality, but some people also think a 64 ounce Big Gulp is an appropriate amount of soda. We politely call these people "special" and don't make eye contact with them on the bus. Secondly, why do they insist on putting rice in the burrito? I always tell them not to, but then they just add extra meat, which defeats my whole intention (which is to reduce the burrito's overall mass). I've never understood the rice thing. It's already wrapped in a flour tortilla. Why put another starchy carb inside? Why not put a fucking baguette in there too while you're at it? Thirdly, burritos are way too heavy a food. They make you feel fat and gassy and they are really just carb-heavy turd logs waiting to be expelled. If you're impoverished then I guess it's a good amount of food for your money, but since I'm a non-impoverished aesthete the cheapness is a nonissue. In conclusion, burritos suck. But if you held a gun to my head I would opt for the carne-asada burrito at Mariachi's, sans rice, with black beans, sour cream, no cheese, a little lettuce, some cilantro/onion mix, and maybe some hot salsa or mango salsa. And a negro modelo.

2. Nob Hill or Tank Hill?

Embarrassingly, I hadn't heard of Tank Hill before reading your question. It sounds gorgeous, and I would much rather be there than Nob Hill, which is full of old rich ladies walking their tiny dogs.

3. Do you believe that UFO's are a form of spacecraft or that they are the 3d representation of a warping 4d time/space? If you believe neither, explain.

You know that Simpsons episode where Sideshow Bob is getting out of prison and he says goodbye to Snake?

Bob: Take care, Snake, and may the next time we meet be under more... felicitous circumstances.
Snake: Guh?
Bob: Take care.
Snake: Buh.

In that spirit, I can only respond, GUH? (As an aside, I do believe there's life on other planets, but I also believe that the human race will be extinct (probably through nuclear war) long before anyone else contacts us.)

4. Vinyl, CD, or mp3?

I have this theory that the primary gap between the next generation of kids and my generation will be the need to associate artifacts with music. We have this attachment to the physical objects-- cd cases, record sleeves, whatever-- whereas these days kids are growing up with digital representation as a given. So maybe they will escape the fetishization of packaging that plagues so many music collectors. Anyway I don't own a rekkid player so I gotta go with CDs, but certainly the future is mp3. Although it's lossy and really, with memory getting cheaper and cheaper, there's gonna be a better format down the road.

5. Whats the best trick you can do?

TJ showed me how to do a new version of the "handshake-snap". You know, where you snap with someone else? I'll show you sometime.

Thanks Habbit!

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