06.09.03 - 6:32 p.m.

I never had an NES, so I never played Metroid. Explain to me, then, why the theme from Metroid has been stuck in my head for weeks. It's in my Winamp playlist, but I don't remember downloading it. What is going on here?

It might have happened in that dark space last Friday, between my seventh and eighth Buttery Nipple.

Or perhaps my computer has fallen prey to the dreaded "Metroid" virus.

Here I sit, greasy and unshaven, drinking diet Dr. Pepper, contemplating what god hath wrought. It is Monday. Yesterday we went for a run in Golden Gate Park, only to end up trapped in the teeming throngs of hippies and tourists at the Haight Street Fair. (Verily, they teemed.) I hate fairs because a) you can't walk around without bumping into five million people and b) the food is overpriced and c) the knick-knacks are never, ever anything I would actually consider buying. "Ooh, a Peruvian anklewarmer."

Thankfully the weekend wasn't entirely hippie-ridden. We spent most of it down south for Shawn's birthday. Friday night found us lounging in his house's hot tub, me with a brandy sifter full of screwdrivers, him with beer, Az. with some kind of creme de menthe concoction out of the bartender's bible. Then Saturday a bunch of us headed down to Monterey to check out the aquarium. Oh beautiful deadly jellyfish, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways. 1) beautiful 2) deadly 3) a perfect combination of jelly and fish.

I saw Finding Nemo earlier in the week, so my interest in sealife was piqued. And jellyfish are the most interesting of all! The box jellyfish is the most poisonous animal in the world. They are so pretty and so alien. They don't have brains or a central nervous system (much like your moms).

Az's favorites were the ones with cilia that constantly vibrate, producing shimmering rainbows in the water. Some of them are transparent. There was a tank full of little baby jellfish that didn't yet have their tentacles. If I were a mobster I would not threaten to throw people in my shark tank. That would be boring. Instead I would throw them in my BABY JELLYFISH TANK!!! SO DEADLY!!! Unless they don't sting yet, in which case my victim would merely get wet.