Journal of Pirate Lingo*


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* not an actual journal
of pirate lingo

06.22.03 - 5:42 p.m.

Back from Rusty's insane yoga class, minus several pounds of sweat. Word to the wise: when you see the phrase "intermediate to advanced" in conjunction with "Yoga Tree", duck and cover.

On Friday Az. and I went to Popcorn Antitheatre. Holy bejebus that was fun! Every month there's a different theme, and this time it was "supermodels". Everybody came dressed up in model gear, although the definition of "model gear" was a loose one. One guy brought a parking attendant's uniform with walkie talkie... his name was DPT. He was really sad because he'd forgotten to bring his cane with chalk on it, that he was gonna use to issue 'chalk citations' to people who were standing around too long. His dream was to chalk a meter maid at some point during the night.

Our tour guide was Diana Longschlongski, but the true star of the show was Luster (pronounced "Loos-ter"). Luster was as funny as Ben Stiller in Zoolander, but more obscene. He explained how he'd risen to the top of the supermodel scene from his early days as a boy in "Yachistan", and how he was here to teach us all how to be stars. "How many here have already eaten dinner? Yes? How many have already thrown up?"

fig a: luster

We met in front of the Unsafeway on 16th and Bryant. Slowly people started to assemble, forming a motley crew in the parking lot. By the time everyone had gathered, the bus pulled up, and after strutting on board we were off. Immediately people started popping champagne corks and busting out 40's. Eurodance music blared from the bus speakers. Bags of flours passed back and forth, providing many of us with the prized 'fresh from doing bumps in the bathroom' look. Luster provided running commentary. "If you fall, don't fall like a nobody, fall like A MODEL, ,fall like you meant it, fall onto someone and fuck them!!" (said after he took a stumble)

Our first stop turned out to be the Palace of Fine Arts. We marched into the outdoor amphitheatre and sat down in a circle, and three guys (including Luster) entered the circle along with this girl. They started beatboxing, and she sang what sounded like Berlin torch songs. Also that bjork tune where she's "emotional". It was a beautiful performance, accompanied by assorted claps, hymnals and ass-grabbings within the audience. On the way back to the bus, two of the beat boxing guys busted out an amazing freestyle about Eucalyptus Trees.

This proved to be the model for the rest of the night-- there were central events, but the real show was all the characters along for the ride. It was the best kind of improv comedy.

Our next stop was a corner of the city overlooking the bay, right near Pac Bell park. "Now vee are going to get your flabby model asses in shape!" They divided us into boys and girls and a chaotic softball game began. Some of us drifted away over the fence, because in the distance there was a beautiful sight: the two beatboxing guys were playing blues songs on top of the Willie Mccove statue at the edge of the bay. It was really quite a sight. Pretty soon everybody was dancing. Every now and then some random people out for a walk would come upon our party. I wonder what they thought?

fig b: willie & the boys

After the blues guys finished up we were on the bus once more, albeit without DPT (who'd had too much of something and had wandered off in a stupor). We worried about him but his friends assured us that he does that all the time. Still, we felt bad that poor DPT was probably gonna wake up face down in the grass the next day and be very very confused.

Our final stop of the evening was: the San Francisco Boat Club. We didn't realize until we entered that it really was a boat club! There was a surreal intermingling of genuine and imitation boaters. It was a gemini birthday bash as well, and Diane's friend was a gemini, so technically we weren't crashing the party. (Were we?)

We ended the night outside the boatclub, where everyone formed an impromptu catwalk and we all got a chance to strut our stuff and show off our new found model skills. By midnight we were bidding each other a fond farewell, as the bus dropped off our bedraggled but fabulous crew back at Safeway.

Popcorn Antitheatre is the kind of thing that makes me love San Francisco.

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