Journal of Pirate Lingo*


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01.28.03 - 11:58 a.m.

I went to Dina's yoga class last night. It was frustrating. I sprinted to Yoga Tree from home, thinking I'd be late, but when I got there Rusty's class was just getting out, so we had to wait a while for the room to clear. (Rusty is this yoga tree superstar, beloved by gay men because he's cute and beloved by fitness enthusiasts because his hatha class is super-intense. He's insanely popular and you have to make reservations in advance to attend one of his classes.)

Anyway, by the time Dina's class started, I was already feeling impatient. She then proceeded to do a lot of things that annoy me.

Things Yoga Instructors Do That Annoy Me

1. Spend too much time babbling new-agey catch phrases such as "check into your body, check out your emotions." Dina is way new-agey and she made us spend the first half hour doing meditation, when all I really wanted to do was stretch and move. I know yoga is a lifestyle not just a physical practice, but whatever. I just want the physical part and if that makes it not-yoga then so be it.

2. Start a count ("hold this pose for three more breaths") and then cheat on the count. OOOH this burns me!!! It fills me with homicidal rage. If you say "hold for a count of three," you better fucking count to three and then move on. When your muscles are agonizingly tense the last thing you need is some joker saying three but counting to some indeterminate number past three.

3. There is no three. I just put it in because there's no point to making a list if you only have two things.

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